When someone talks about abuse in a relationship, we automatically picture physical, verbal, or sexual abuse. Most people believe that abuse is either about name-calling or assault in a relationship. But there is more.
Another form of abuse is neglect. Neglect is a subtle yet powerful form of emotional abuse that can easily take a toll on a person’s mental health. The worst part is, in most cases, people are not even aware that their behavior, which they consider “normal”, might be taking a huge toll on someone’s emotional well-being.
A neglecter can be a friend who is never there for you, a boss at work who neglects your needs, or worst, a spouse or a lover who is completely insensitive towards your emotional needs and makes you feel invisible every second of the day.
Being in a relationship with a neglector is mostly confusing and sometimes, it’s even worse than being disliked. Why? Because the person not only refuses to acknowledge you, your efforts, your affection, and the value you bring to the table but also refuses to let you go.
People who form a relationship with a neglecter usually feel lonely. The relationship is never fulfilling, and something is always missing. The conversations are draining, they are never available when you need them the most and something more important is always going on in their lives.
But why do people do this? Why would anyone neglect the needs of their friends, spouse, or coworkers?
While some neglecters pick up the patterns from their childhood, some people turn into neglecters as they start getting occupied with other aspects of their lives. People simply start growing apart, become emotionally disconnected from one another, and eventually become insensitive towards the needs of the other person.
Common factors that nurture neglect
Career goals: In today’s fast-paced lives, career goals have easily become the priority while relationships take the backseat. People have become more invested in their careers and refuse to make the same amount of effort in their relationships. While juggling everything together can be difficult, it’s important to realize that just like everything else, a career is also just a part of your life.
Stress: Most people refrain from opening up to other people. They prefer keeping things inside which gives rise to stress. While protecting their secrets, these people often end up alienating people around them when they try to deal with every situation on their own.
Childhood trauma and neglect: Children who grow up in the supervision of emotionally unavailable parents and chaotic environments simply pick up the patterns of their insensitive caretakers. Apart from this, children who grow up in environments where emotional expression is unacceptable, speaking up is frowned upon and expressing needs is considered a sign of fragility and weakness, simply learn to suppress their needs and feelings. Patterns evolve with time and become a way of life in adulthood. When these adults feel close to someone, they immediately start pulling away. Their defense mechanism kicks in, and they start creating distance from the person who tries to shower love and affection on them.
Lack of positive relationships: Many people never get the chance to form meaningful relationships. In their past relationships, these people always felt alone, they always felt neglected and hurt, they assumed that they’ll be doing everything by themselves, and now, they don’t need anyone else.
Depression: People suffering from depression can’t seem to care about anything. They stop caring about their career, their health, their friends, family, etc. They develop a “what’s the point of caring” attitude and everything becomes dark and gloomy for them. If you are someone who is suffering from depression or feels the same, talking to a therapist can help you improve your situation drastically.
But everything has consequences. Everything has an impact. And neglecting the needs of someone making an effort to be with you also has severe impacts. Let’s explore these impacts and how they can easily ruin your relationship with someone.
Impacts of neglect
The consequences of neglect can range from mild to severe and these also depend on how much someone is emotionally invested in you. If the relationship is at the early stage, someone might stop expecting anything from you from the very start. They don’t rely on you; they stop involving you much in their lives and the relationship that could have turned into something beautiful ceases to grow.
If neglect has evolved in a long-term relationship, it can lead to severe consequences. It can lead to disappointments; it can lead to conflicts and the person also might just give up after a certain period of time. In many cases, it can also force someone to look for emotional support outside the relationship and eventually it leads to separation.
For some people, neglecting another person can be convenient, for some, it’s just a way of life and for some, they just can’t open the doors to their world. While neglecters often neglect the other person unconsciously, there are some signs which one can recognize the neglect patterns in their behavior.
Signs that indicate you are neglecting someone
The person feels lonely all the time. Even in your company, the person feels left out. You unconsciously alienate the person, and the person feels unvalued or taken for granted.
The person stops asking you to help him/her out. Another sign is that the person who once relied on you for every small or big issue has now started rolling his/her sleeves when it comes to rectifying issues in their lives.
You are never on the same page: There is a huge communication gap, and you fail to understand what the other person wants or needs. This further gives rise to conflicts and fights which makes the situation even worse.
You find yourself making excuses. When it comes to your friend’s, your coworker’s, or your partner’s needs, you always have an excuse ready to shoot at them. You always have something more important going on and their needs don’t occupy any place in the list of your priorities.
Is there something you can do to rectify this behavior?
Fortunately, yes. There are a few steps that you can take to rectify issues and challenges in your relationships. You might find it a bit challenging at first, but with time, you’ll be able to make positive changes in your attitude and transform your relationships.
Be more expressive: Just talking about how you feel and letting people know that you are struggling can help people understand that it’s difficult for you. Practice sharing your feelings in a positive manner and instead of neglecting and using your defense mechanism, facilitate healthy communication. You’ll feel hesitant at first, but as Robin Sharma says, “Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end”. Keep on practicing and you’ll get there.
Be honest: If you are someone who has a lot on your plate and you are focused on your career, let the people in your life know that you are occupied and you need some time for yourself. But this doesn’t mean using your career as an excuse. Try making an effort. Show up for an important event just to support your friend, even if it’s for five to ten minutes. Help your coworkers with small tasks just to let them know that they can count on you. Getting off work late? Buy some flowers or order a nice dinner for your spouse just to let them know that you were thinking about them.
Actions speak louder than words: Sometimes a simple apology makes all the difference. Instead of emotionally shutting down, make a sincere apology for not being able to be there for your friends or family. Simple gestures also make a huge difference in the relationships and these gestures can let the other person know that you might be unavailable for some time, but you are trying your best to make an effort in the relationship.
Talk to someone you can trust: Talking to someone who has always been around you or is aware of your patterns can help you learn a lot about yourself. This person can be one of your parents, your friends, or your family member. You can also seek additional support from a therapist.
Are you someone who is trying to break the habit of neglecting people? What are you struggling with and what other measures are you taking to improve your relationships?
The essay
Please write an essay, up to two pages, about a past experience you or someone you know had when you neglected someone. Tell us in detail, who, what, when, where, why, to whom, the time, the place of what you did. The outcome! And tell us in detail how you could have changed that use from what you learned today so the outcome would have been good. Internalize this lesson. Make it become a part of you.
Read the article? Time to Introspect!
Q1. Have you ever been neglected in a relationship? How was your experience?
Q2. Have you ever neglected someone? Why do you think you did it?
Q3. Did you ever feel neglected in your childhood? How has that experience affected your life? Do you still think about it?
Q4. Do you spend quality time with your spouse, children, friends, or extended family? If no, why not?
Q5. How do you ensure someone has your undivided attention? What steps do you take to make sure the other person feels valued?